LIfe Vs Death

I guess no one would really cares whether I am eating or not eating.

Since I woke up at nine, I have not eaten anything yet. My mum went to market and she isn't back. Even she is, I dont think I would have any food to eat. I wanted to ask you to have lunch with me or perhaps to get some medicine as I have cold hands and warm forehead now. But since you are not free, I think I am going to skip another meal again.

Back to the topic of Life VS Death.

How does it feel to be lying inside a coffin?
How does it feel to be drawing one last breath and looking one last look at the people around you?
How does it feels to be in the other world?
What happens after you die?
Where do you go?
Would you feel pain in the incinerator?
Would you be upset seeing your shell burnt into ashes?
Would you be relieved that you are away from the sufferings?
Are you aware that people might be reluctant to let you go?
Would you missed the living ones that you have left behind?
Are you aware that there are relatives like me who still cant accept the fact that you have gone?

I know it's plain dumb. I should have let go of the past long time ago. But I just cant help myself for remembering you people. Both paternal grandparents and maternal grandparents and you, my uncle. I am afraid that one day I might forget how you people look like. I have tried not to think of the past. I really did.

I still remember the bird that my ye ye kept. The black normal bird. After you passed away, the bird has being set free.
Where is it now?
Has it went to find you?
Are you getting on fine now?

All the pencils that my nai nai has given me have finished their life span. The only thing i can remember of you and ye ye is the photo with both of you in it. I also remember the time that you stay at my house to look after my sister when I am suppose to be in school and mum brought me to school. I cant bear to leave this house as you have been in it before. If one day, this house is going to be enbloc, I think I might feel like staying behind and just wait for it to be demolished with me inside.

The house in Queenstown where my mum grew up in has been demolished due to enbloc. I did not have the chance to take any photos of it yet. That's the only trace that I remember of my gong gong and po po. Sad to say, the house demolished just slightly after both of them left us. I dont have their photo with me. I think perhaps one day I might just forget how they look like when I was flipping through family photos. Or is there even any photos for me to flip through at all? I doubt so.

My uncle. The one who lives the closest to us. I passed by the block everytime I am on the MRT. It's hard not to think of you as you have been driving us back home after every fanily gathering. Even my house has your trace as there are gatherings in my house before.

I want to let go of thinking about all these. I really wanted to. Thinking about all these hurts me so. But yet no one has actually understands me. Even myself, I cant understand me too.

I cant understand why i like to hurt myself again and again just by recalling them.
I dont understand why is it so difficult to just catch your attention to just tell you that I needed you.
I dont understand why I know that there is so many people who cares and concern about me but not the one that I wanted.
I dont understand why am I always being neglected. It isn't just you. But from my parents.

What ever it is, if anything bad is going to happen this year again, I hope it would happens to me and not to anyone else in the family. This includes my dad, mum, sis, dad's family( my aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephew), my mum's family( my aunties, uncles, cousins and nephews.)